Age 0-2

Typical Characteristics

• Infants are dependant on parents for meeting their needs
• They develop a sense of trust through having a predictable and consistent caregiver

Separation Issues

• Infants may feel the loss of contact with a primary caretaking parent
• Loss of familiar and comfortable environment
• Do not understand conflict, but may react to changes in the parents energy level and mood.

How They Might Show Their Stress

• Difficulty toileting or sleeping
• Slowing down in learning new skills
• Afraid to leave parent; clingy with parent
• General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying
• More fretful or anxious

Suggestions for parents

• Attempt to allow both parents to bond with infant
• Meet infant’s needs promptly and consistently
• Try not to separate the infant from his or her primary caregiver for long periods of time
• 18 month to 2 year old children can tolerate longer separations from their primary caregiver than infants, especially if an older sister or brother will be with them.
• Prepare the child for the separation by explaining what will happen

2-4 years

Typical Characteristics

• Growth of a sense of independence
• Are able to keep absent parent in mind to comfort themselves for extended periods
• Verbal skills develop for expression of feelings and needs

Separation Issues

• May have a sense of responsibility for the separation
• Are anxious about basic needs being met – food, shelter, visitation
• Understands that a parent has moved, but doesn’t understand why.
• May fantasise about reuniting parents

How They Might Show Their Stress

• Regression – returning to security blankets, old toys, lapses in toilet training
• Making up fantasy stories
• Anxious at bedtime, sleeping fitfully, waking frequently
• Fear of being abandoned by both parents
• Emotionally needy, seeking physical contact
• More irritable, aggressive, has temper tantrums

Suggestions for parents

• Reassure your preschooler by telling them you love them and cuddling them
• Allow some regression
• Keep routines consistent
• Explain what is going to happen to the child and role play future events
• Child will adapt to longer separation from one parent through frequent visits and overnights with the other parent
• Spend time alone with the child (cuddle, read)
• Give child time with another responsive adult (grandparent, close friend)

5-8 years

Typical Characteristics

• Are developing peer and community relationships
• Moral development progresses

Separation Issues

• See the separation as their problem
• May cling to fantasies that their parents will reunite
• Fear abandonment and will long for the absent parent regardless of the quality of the previous relationship
• Realises that one parent is not as active or available for them

How They Might Show Their Stress

• General sadness, feeling abandoned and rejected
• Crying and sobbing
• Fantasizing about parents’ reconciliation
• Conflicts of loyalty; feeling physically torn apart; problems with impulsive behaviour
• May hold anger inside
• May have more nightmares
• May become aggressive and angry toward parent he/she lives with
• Feels that he/she should be punished

Suggestions for parents

• Try to have each parent spend as much time with the child as possible
• Allow the child to express his feelings
• Help the child understand that the decision to separate had nothing to do with him or her
• Encourage the child to draw pictures about her or his feelings, and to explain the story and what it means to him/her.
• Encourage your child to talk
• Allow other parent to maintain a regular presence in child’s life

9-12 years

Typical Characteristics

• Children of this age are developing an increased awareness of self, evaluating own strengths and weaknesses as compared to others. Pre-adolescents are working at fitting in to the peer-level social order

Separation Issues

• Although they see the separation as the parents’ problem, they are often angry about the parents’ inability to work the problems out
• Likely to take sides, siding against the parent they think wanted the separation

How They Might Show Their Stress

• Intense anger at parent blamed for causing the separation
• Physical complaints like headaches and stomach aches
• Become overactive to avoid thinking about the separation
• Feel ashamed of what’s happening in the family and different from other kids
• Tries to recreate “what was”

Suggestions for parents

• Parents need to try to remain involved and honest, and to avoid blaming each other
• Pre-adolescents can spend holidays with either parent
• Children should be allowed to contact the other parent
• Maintain a consistent routine
• Inform the child of what is happening and what will occur
• Keep teachers informed of any stress the child is feeling and get help for school problems
• Give children permission to continue loving both parent

13-18 years

Typical Characteristics

• Teens are solidifying their identity and establishing a sense of self in relation to the  rules and regulations of society
• Embarrassment about family

Separation Issues

• Possible de-idealisation of one or both parents
• Will place peer needs ahead of family and therefore may not want to visit with non-custodial parent
• Understand but doesn’t accept the separation

How They Might Show Their Stress

• Withdraw from family life and spend more time with peers
• Feel hurried to become independent
• Engage in ‘trying out’ behaviour such as sexual acting out, drinking, or drug experimentation
• Worry about their future loves and marriage
• Chronic fatigue and difficulty concentrating
• Can feel rejected by parent who has left
• Tries to cut one or both parents out of their life
• May try to adopt a carer role for one or both parents
• Feels that he/she will never have a long-term relationship

Suggestions for parents

• Be consistent about discipline and limits while allowing for normal adolescent behaviour
• Allow more freedom and choices
• Find time to be with the teen and be flexible with their schedules
• Give teens input about the visitation schedule, but don’t burden them with the responsibility of deciding on the visitation schedule
• Remind child who “owns” the problem, and free them from guilt
• Don’t involve your child in parental struggles
• Don’t use child as a replacement partner (don’t discuss adult problems with him/her